So I promised this post on Valentine's Day but I could not get myself to really dig deep enough to write this one in all its ugly truths. First my apologies for not keeping my word, I endeavor to do so in the future. I just could not write this post while I was in a negative space. Some parts will look into my past, my childhood, the people that have in one way or another shaped my worldview, and the people that no longer exist in my mind space and why. The basis of this post is to go through some of my experiences and delve into why one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that some people cannot give or receive love.
What I'd like to talk about first are the people in my life that I love and am loyal to, not by name but by their characteristics. Loyalty and trust are everything to me and in order to be friends/family (I don't know about you but I choose who I call family too) with anyone I require both in abundance. I say that to say this, have you ever known someone that made it impossible for you to tolerate them let alone to love them, to the point where loving them is inconceivable. Personally if I can neither trust nor have a mutually implied loyalty with an individual then all bets are off. We are neither friends nor are we family. It's that cut and dry. That's not to say we are enemies because I'm too adult and elevated in the way I see the world to give up my precious mind space for a subset of people that I will now have to consciously avoid (it's just dumb and counterproductive).
Pain & Betrayal: The residual effects
Memories of pain, and betrayal can never be erased but the people that caused it should be left on their intended course of life and you on yours with very little interference between the two. Keeping enemies is overall too time consuming, I much prefer to be indifferent. A lot of people throw the word forgiveness around but really as long as I find a method of gaining internal peace, clear consciousness, and self awareness, I am not too concerned about exerting energy into forcing some societal or religious idea of what forgiveness is and how to achieve it. Some people are incapable of forgiveness and in my opinion that has to be okay as well. I'm more concerned about possessing control over my own mind than any other thing. The question that I ask myself is what good is this (could be anything) for my conscious mind and my spirit. Living in a negative space only stunts your growth and no I am certainly
Most of my pain, and resentment was in some strange way inherited. Misery is a lonely beast and if you were unfortunate enough in life to fall prey to a miserable parent, you would have learned very intimately the damaging effects of having been in misery's company. As a result you become emotionally stunted, constantly living to undo damage rather then living brand new experiences, often times you're even paralyzed by fear. If you're lucky you can escape the pain. But you are broken, deeply conflicted as to who you are, who you could have been, where you're going in comparison to where you've been, is it too late to start over again, where does your past end and your present begin, can you ever trust, can you ever love, can you ever open up and share the beautiful person you are with the world, how will they receive you, will they understand that it's not your fault you got this way.
While you are asking all of these questions life is still happening all around you. You can't pause life because you need a minute to get caught up on who you were and who you are and especially who you could have been, had you not been forced to grow with plenty of rain but very little sunlight. Who would you be had you had a balanced upbringing. If you were more than a possession, a thing, a figurine, if you were given the ingredients then, to flourish, would you be where you are now or further ahead. After asking all of these hypothetical what ifs, you realize how much you resent having been cheated out of a different life but you must quickly accept that that life did not belong to you in the first place. It was never your life. There were some pretty diabolical chapters in my life which included depression, having less than is necessary, utter emptiness, disarray, strife, abuse, hatred of self, hopelessness and an overall unwillingness to live.
That is what you get, correction... That is ALL you get from
There are some very special people that I cherish, who have single-handedly saved my life; friendships that I hold dear, what remains of my family which today is few and far in between and the love of a man that apart from my existence is God's greatest gift to me. I choose to be happy and to live only in the positive if I can help it. Life happens but happiness is a choice that you MUST MAKE for yourself by yourself. The good people in your life can enhance your happiness but no one and nothing can make you happy but you. Find your center and live there. Trust and believe life will not disappoint, it will continue to be a ruthless bitch, whether you choose happiness or not, it's up to you.
To my original point, how does one love a father who neither through words nor action has ever remotely expressed love? I don't know the answer to that question but what I do know is that love radiates and It's freeing. That false notion of love made me feel the opposite of worthy, the opposite of acknowledged, appreciated, understood, welcomed, cherished, supported and unconditionally accepted. Thank God I know love and I understand the premise of hope. I am stronger and for that I could never regret anything that went terribly wrong, I'm simply grateful that I don't have to live certain experiences again and that I have a spiritual foundation for it. I no longer focus on what was lost but rather on what's been gained. I'm so over the bullshit and everyone associate with it. I find comfort in those who have shown me a nicer kinder humanity. This is now a cruelty free zone and make no mistake I may be all zen today but I grew up fighting and I'm not beyond doing what's necessary to live in contentment. In other words, in order to protect myself and my family I am not beyond ripping a bitches throat out of her neck. So much for zen huh? Ha! I'm not naive, peace may be present within us but it is not always around us.
Some people are incapable of accepting love, because they were not taught to love and they could not and would not recognize love if it slapped them square in the face. They choose to be hopeless and helpless! I love myself too much today to accept that shit of an excuse from anyone as to why you cannot or could not love me.
"Life becomes easier when you learn to accept and apology that you never got."
- Robert Brault
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